Originally mailed on September 21, 1996

Splash is here as I write this. She's been playing violent video games for hours to work off some of her aggression and anger. You may remember that Romney, her boy/girlfriend, went to Seattle in August for an FTM conference. He drove with some friends, a very long road trip across country. Well, the date he was supposed to arrive home passed with no word. A week later Splash got a postcard saying, "We're staying a little longer in Seattle with friends, I'll call you when I get back into town." No letter, no phone call. Splash was feeling neglected and cranky. I refrained from reminding her that she treated me even worse during her trip to Europe last year, but I enjoyed watching her stew a bit.

Today she got a letter from Romney saying that he became enamored of one of his traveling companions during the road trip, and that the two of them like Seattle so much they have decided to stay. He enclosed the key to his room at a co-op and a list of things he'd like Splash to ship him, with instructions to pack the rest up and take it to his mother's in Grand Rapids. Splash's reply is sitting on my table waiting to be mailed; "No way, jerk" is the short version of it, but Splash could not resist saying a bit more than that about her current opinion of poor Romney.

As ever, Splash is not sure of her feelings. She's very upset but can't say why. Did she care that much about Romney? She didn't think so at the time. Perhaps she's just angry about being dumped for someone else and being asked to do a favor in the same breath. In any case, she's working out her frustrations with the most graphically violent Super Nintendo games she could find at the video store.

Splash is very cranky with me as well as Romney, because I won't sleep with her again. I told Nona I had slept with Splash, and it made her sad, but she agreed I hadn't violated any agreement about our relationship, and that obviously we needed to develop one. We're still working out what we want, but we agree that monogamy is the way to go while negotiations proceed, our theory being that sleeping with anyone else just puts an extra strain on the relationship. Splash is not happy. She thinks we should have agreed that non-monogamy was OK until we actually agree that monogamy is what we want long-term.

I'm pretty sure Splash's crankiness with me has more to do with Romney leaving her in the lurch than with any desire she feels for me. Sex is what Splash does; it's her pastime, her recreation, her way of achieving one-ness with the Cosmos. And she hasn't had any in a month-four times longer than she has gone without since becoming sexually active 5 years ago. No wonder she's irritable. [In the background, explosions & gruesome screams from the TV; Splash curses.]

It's taking forever for Nona and me to Define Our Relationship. Of course, Nona and I had to spend some time getting over the hurdle I threw up by sleeping with Splash. She was very upset by it, and surprised that she was so upset, because she hadn't thought she was that into our relationship.

But then she thought that maybe I slept with Splash just to make Nona fear losing me so that she would step up our relationship to the next level. I said, "Nona, I would never be so basely manipulative. It was nothing more than a lapse in judgment." Nona said, "Maybe you think that but were trying to manipulate me on a subconscious level. I probably shouldn't make any decisions based on this because I can't be sure whether I am being manipulated in some way or whether I really feel what I feel."

I said, "OK, Nona, that's fine. We don't have to be in any hurry to figure things out."

Three days later, she says to me, "You should move in with me, Harriet. Sleeping with Splash was the best thing you could have done because now I see how much I care for you."

To which I reply, "I'm not convinced that's what you really want. Are you sure that's not just the only way you can think of to make sure I don't sleep with Splash again? You know, we can decide to be monogamous even if we don't live together."

"I thought you wanted to live together."

"I do, but I want to be sure you want to, too."

"Well, what do I have to do to prove it? How can you know better than me what I want?"

I say, "It's just a very sudden turn-around, Nona. I don't trust it."

"You don't trust me? You're the one who slept with someone else!"

"I trust you, honey. But three days ago you weren't at all sure about anything. I wonder if you've thought this through."

Nona says, "Harriet, when I didn't want you to move in, it was because I was thinking. I was thinking you don't keep a very neat house. I was thinking it was too soon. I was thinking I like living alone. But now I'm feeling. I'm feeling that I want to be with you, I want to keep you close to me. And it's not just about sleeping with Splash. It's all these lonely nights since you started staying at your place more. I miss you when you're gone even one night."

I have wanted to move in with Nona for months. And now that the door is wide open, I can't make up my mind to go through it. I need more time to feel sure of her. I don't want to move in and learn three months later that she resents my presence. Nona gets very frustrated with me. Whenever I'm with her I feel she's watching me, tapping her foot, waiting for me to make a decision.

I asked my Grandma what she thought I should do. First she said I should take Nona at her word, that it's not my job to know what Nona is feeling, and that I should go ahead and move in, since I've wanted to for so long. But the way she said it was very sharp. She sounded just like Nona: "What's your problem, Harriet? It's what you want. Stop whining and do it."

I said, "What's the matter, Grandma? You sound mad. I'm being cautious because I don't want to mess up with Nona. I want to be with her a long time, and moving in too soon could spoil our chance for that."

Grandma said, "Harriet, don't get so afraid of making a mistake that you won't take what's offered you."

That's good advice. But Grandma wasn't very nice to me while she was giving it. Louella says Grandma is scared of losing me. "She counts on you, Harriet. Maybe she thinks she can't count on you any more if you have other family responsibilities."

I said, "But that's just silly, Louella. I'd be closer to Grandma's if I lived at Nona's house. Besides, I've been dating Nona since March, and I still see Grandma all the time. And they adore each other! I don't see what the problem is."

Louella said, "Talk to your grandmother, Harriet. She's the one you need to convince."

Sigh. More processing in my future.

Speaking of Louella, last week she called me completely ticked off. "What do you think I've got in my hand, Harriet?" she said.

I said, "Oh, good, a riddle. I love riddles. What has it got in its nasty little hand, my precious? It wouldn't happen to be the One Ring, would it?"

She said, "Very funny, Harriet. It's a child-support check. Guess from whom and for how much."

I said, "Oh, no. It's from Sam, and for about half the agreed-upon amount."

"Wrong," she said. "It's from Sam's father, and brings child support completely up-to-date through the first of October. Further, it comes with a note. Guess what the note says."

I said, "I can't imagine."

"It says, 'I'll be making these payments for the time being, so please let me know if your address changes, Dad. P.S. We hope to see the boys at Christmas.' Can you imagine?"

I said, "Louella, as usual I'm confused. Isn't this good news?"

Louella said, "No! It's Sam getting bailed out once again, not needing to take responsibility. What do you want to bet his dad has paid off all his debts? What do you want to bet Sam is free and clear, happy-go-lucky once again? It was always like this when we were married. Sam would surprise me with something expensive we couldn't afford, like a new TV two weeks before Mark was born. "We need diapers, Sam,' I would say. 'We need baby toys. We need a nursery monitor. We do not need a new TV,' and Sam would say, 'Oh, Mom and Dad will be glad to help us out with baby things. I thought you'd be glad to have a nice TV to watch because you'll be cooped up once the baby is born.' And sure enough, Sam's mom went through my house, inventoried baby supplies, made a list of everything we needed, and took me shopping, and the only thing she said about the TV was, 'What a nice TV!'"

I said, "Sam's parents sound generous and kind."

"But they've never forced him to grow up!" Louella said.

I said, "And it upsets you because you have had to grow up."

Louella said, "Nobody ever bails me out. Nobody ever makes all my problems go away with one wave of their magic checkbook. I can't even ask my parents to baby-sit because my father is a drunk and I don't trust him. If it weren't for your grandmother I don't know what I'd do. I'm in school full-time and working part-time and I thought things would be easier now that little Sam is in kindergarten but they're not, and then today I come home and find out that once again my ex-husband is accountable for nothing and there's nothing for dinner because someone didn't close the fridge this morning and everything has gone bad." By this time she was crying.

I said, "Honey, why don't you just sit tight and Nona and I will bring dinner over there. We can talk about things then."

Nona and I ran to the store for taco fixings, and picked up a few essentials like milk, eggs, and ice cream, and took it all over to Louella's. I cleaned out the fridge and started a grocery list while Nona cooked, and Louella fumed herself out. She finally said, "I suppose I should be glad that Sam's Dad is willing to help out. Knowing I can count on child support makes a big difference. And the back child support is a good-sized check. I can get a new muffler for my car and have the furnace serviced for fall and buy Mark a new winter coat."

Nona said, "You should spend a little on yourself."

Louella said, "Yeah, I need some good waterproof boots for walking on campus."

Nona said, "I meant you should spend it on something fun."

Louella said, "It's child support money. It's not supposed to be for me to have fun with."

Nona said, 'You're the one who works extra hours and squeezes the budget to bare bones when it doesn't show up. Now that it has, you should take a little for yourself."

I said, "Nona's right, as usual. What would you like to do if you had some money to spend any way you wanted?"

Louella said, "Oh, that's not hard. I'd like to take a weekend up north to see the fall colors."

Nona said, "You and the boys should go."

Louella said, "Without the boys."

Nona said, "Harriet and I will be happy to keep the boys."

Louella said, "Do you really think it would be OK?"

I said, "Louella, if the child-support police are too busy to go after deadbeat dads, they surely do not have time to monitor how mistreated moms spend what comes in, if it comes in. Go up north."

We finally talked her into it. She's taking her dog Hot Rod and Grandma's dog Flopsy, and they're camping in Nona's pickup truck. She just has to settle on whichever weekend she thinks will have the best color. One week too soon, everything is still green. One week too late, and the branches are bare. Louella is uptight about it. "My one weekend away, and what if I go the wrong weekend?" I told her, "What's important, Louella? Dead leaves, or two and a half days of solitude?" But she worries.

She'll enjoy camping in Nona's truck. We camped in it at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival and it was lovely. Much more pleasant to drive to a site in RV than to shuttle gear downtown.

My festival was hard this year, though. I went with Nona, but she spent a lot of time in the Women of Color tent. Even though it's more open to white women than it used to be, there were many times I couldn't be with her. I often walked with her to the tent and kissed her goodbye as she was on her way to see friends. Once, we had been at Night Stage with a whole group of her friends, all women of color, and they were going to a party at the WOC tent afterwards, and I felt left out, like we'd been having a great time, being friendly, and suddenly I wasn't welcome any longer.

I've always supported the WOC tent, but it's hard when abstract political beliefs come home to roost -- when supporting the right of women of color to gather without white women means I don't get to see my lover, go all the places she can go, or get to know her friends. I know it was hard for Nona, too. She has friends at festival that she only sees that one week a year, and wanted to spend as much time as possible with them. We meant to be at festival together, but I was on my own a lot of the time.

Louella won't go to festival because her sons aren't welcome. And Splash goes to festival for the sex. I tried hanging out with her and her friends, but being with a group of 22-year-olds makes me feel the age difference in a way that being with only Splash doesn't. Besides, I didn't fit in with them. They were all sporting the latest hip lesbian hairstyle (bleached very blonde), the latest in body-piercing jewelry, and the latest in classic black jeans, black T-shirts, and black boots. I, on the other hand, was resplendent in thrift-shop men's cotton shorts and no-brand sneakers from Target. And we couldn't get it together for concerts. I wanted to see all the nice women's music. They were only showing up for Tribe 8 and Seven-Year Bitch.

I could not make out the sexual dynamics between Splash and her friends, either. I finally said to her at lunch one day, "OK, Splash, you've got to tell me who's girlfriends with who, because I keep seeing these very lovey couples but they're different couples every day."

Splash said, "Oh, nobody's really girlfriends. We're all playing Tent Roulette. Whoever seems lovey is probably, like, whoever slept together last night, you know."

I said, "I haven't seen you being lovey with anyone."

She said, "I've been trying to spare your feelings. It's been a very lovey festival for me."

Well, I'm glad she made hay while the sun shone, because the poor dear is in a dry spell now. I've got to go because her thumbs are getting numb from playing Super Nintendo and she's whining for pizza and ice cream. At least I can take care of that for her.

Love,

© Copyright 1994-1999 Su Penn. Design by David Dierauer.

Harriet issues index | LouellaMail home page