Genius Toiling in Obscurity

Just Call Me Dreadnought Penn

When I started practicing my birth hypnosis again during this pregnancy, using the same relaxation and guided imagery CDs I used when I was pregnant with Eric, I loved the relaxation but quickly found that my unconscious mind had retained all those positive messages about the birth experience and was pretty bored (I could hear it in there going, "yeah, yeah, empowering experience, yeah, yeah, body knows just what to do, yeah, yeah, heard it all before").

[A side note: when I first started practicing the relaxation back in 2001, I found it almost addictive. I'd be on the couch, limp as a noodle, drooling into my shirt collar, and I'd hear the voice of my hypnosis teacher on the CD saying, "I'm going to count to five, and when I reach the number five you'll return to full consciousness, fully alert, eyes open, feeling completely rested and refreshed..." and my hand would shoot out and hit the "repeat track" button, and on I would drool for another 20 minutes. I still find that if I have any problems with the hypnosis at all, it's being willing to come out of it. Fortunately, suggestions one hears while under hypnosis are hard to resist, and no matter how hard I try, when I hear Mary's voice say she's going to count to three and on the count of three my eyes will open, they always do. Though at one of my classes another woman didn't come out, and we all sat there and grinned at her until Mary tried again, more forcefully, and she popped back up.]

Anyway, in my refresher classes, when we have done exercises to dredge up fears and expunge them, I have not been able to dredge any. And when my various doctors have said things to me like, "I wouldn't worry about a small thing like nuchal cord complications, given that you have so much else to worry about in this pregnancy," I've thought, "Wait, I have things to worry about? Oh, yeah, that whole bleeding disorder thing and this whole anti-cardiolipin-antibody-causing-fetal-death thing." Honestly, I just haven't been able to get very worked up about any of it, which is a rational response to empiric information (women with my type of blood disorder deliver healthy babies practically all the time, and I respond very well to the available treatment; given that I do not have a history of miscarriage, the anti-cardiolipin antibody thing is probably not much of a factor, and really, we wouldn't even know about it if an over-zealous hematologist hadn't gone on a fishing expedition in the lab a year ago). But it's also a mark of how effective hypnosis can be on a susceptible mind that a woman with a history of clinical-level anxiety can have trouble coming up with things to worry about.

But I have had a couple of fears emerge in the last few days:

One is that, during my final birth hypnosis class this past Tuesday evening, I realized that I am in fact very concerned about the possibility that this baby won't nurse. It is hard for me to believe he will. When I picture life with a baby, there are bottles in it; the other day, as I was doing laundry, I saw the bottle-warmer on a shelf and thought, "I'd better take that upstairs." This needs to be turned around, or my fear itself will create a self-fulfilling prophecy, so I'm working on it in hypnosis right now, and talking to the baby a lot, visualizing him at my breast and telling him, "Look, little guy: that's how babies eat!" I know most babies are born with an active and vigorous sucking reflex; it's just hard to believe in that reflex when your last baby apparently didn't have it.

Another is that if this cough doesn't clear up before I go into labor, it might interfere with relaxing the way I need to. Sometimes I can't take a deep breath without coughing, and last night when I was having some painful contractions and wanted to go into hypnosis to relieve the pain, I couldn't get a deep breath to help me relax. I have moved beyond just the localized Braxton-Hicks contractions I'd been having since, like, week 8, which are limited to either the top of my belly or right across the bottom of my uterus, to occasionally having full-girdle contractions. Full-girdle contractions feel like the real thing, but not as strong, and they're great for practicing my hypnosis on. I feel like a star when I can still feel that the contraction is happening but it stops hurting. But relaxing means breathing deeply and evenly, and last night I was going into a coughing fit every time I tried to take a full breath. It doesn't help that [too much information warning; squeamish jump to next paragraph] I can feel my cervix bulge into my vagina when I cough hard enough, making me wonder if I am going to pop my membranes or, alternately, just shoot the baby out into my undies one of these days.

Of course, it finally occurred to me that, having already been to the doctor and ruled out any nasty physical underpinning to my cough, the solution is to work on the problem in hypnosis, trying to relax whatever hyper-stimulated lung tissue is causing the problem.

My final fear is about bringing the baby home. As with nursing, I can't help imagining life with a newborn being like it was with Eric: David, Scott, and I lounged around the house for weeks, reading a lot of books and taking turns holding him. And then David's parental leave ended, and I just kept lounging, reading books, watching videos, holding the baby. This went on for many happy months. Having a young baby is, in my experience, very relaxing.

If it's your first baby. With Mr. Almost-Three and In a Testing Stage around as well, I suspect our experience will be, let us say slightly different. I find myself wondering how I will cope.

Fortunately, my birth hypnosis instructor has made a visualization for after the baby is born. I haven't listened to it yet, but plan to start soon, in order to get those positive brain waves lined up and lapping gently at the shores of my consciousness. When Eric was born, I made my own guided visualization and recorded it, and listened to it every day. I may have to make my own again, to address the specific issues of having a second child. There's precious little advice around for bringing home a second baby; most pregnancy and childbirth information seems to assume you have just the one ("for the first two weeks post-partum," a handout from my o.b. says, "limit yourself to caring for just the baby and yourself." While the other kids howl outside the bedroom door, I wonder?). I suspect Mary's guided visualization doesn't take into account the siblings, either.

For interested folks, here is the text of the visualization I listened to every day when Eric was a newborn. It addresses my specific issues (feeling pressed by my to-do list; being challenged by changes in routines--and a new baby, even one like Eric who was highly regular in his habits, changes routines every couple of weeks; and, of course, the nursing issue). I still like it. Reading it again brought tears to my eyes.

I want you to picture yourself holding Eric when he is quietly awake and looking into your face. Allow yourself to feel all the love and compassion you have for him, all the patience with which you care for him. Picture the two of you happily and contentedly together, and let your love and compassion for Eric fill you.

Now I want you to know that you can respond to Eric with that love, patience, and compassion at all times. Whatever his needs are, you can meet them with love and compassion, patience and equanimity. The love and compassion you feel for Eric when he is quietly in your arms are the same as the love and compassion you feel for him at all times, and from that love and compassion you respond to him patiently, lovingly, and with respect.

Know also that this love and compassion allows you to continue to meet his needs patiently and lovingly as they change. As Eric enters new stages of his development and creates new routines, you are able to let go of the old routines and cheerfully adapt, meeting his new needs as effectively as you met his old ones. The patience, love, compassion, and respect you feel for Eric allow you to change with him, adapt to his new needs and new routines, and let go of old routines which may have become comfortable for you but which are no longer appropriate for him. You are able to follow Eric's guidance as he shows you what he needs at each stage of his life, and appreciate each stage to the fullest while being able to cheerfully let it go when its time has passed.

You fall asleep easily and deeply, and wake readily when needed. Your body makes the most efficient use possible of its time sleeping, so that you are rested and at your best emotionally and physically. You are able to go about your daily routine with good energy and good cheer, able to recognize and respond to your body's need to balance rest with activity, able to accept each day's limits without stress or upset, knowing that you have plenty of time for all you need or wish to do. Caring for Eric is the highest priority, and it is easy and pleasant. You cheerfully give him all the time he needs, recognizing that this is an important and good time for the two of you. You are able to turn from other activities to give Eric your full attention whenever needed and for as long as needed. You are patient and loving with Eric, with David, and with yourself.

Bring back the picture of Eric resting peacefully in your arms. Now I want you to imagine that he is not just resting in your arms, but successfully breastfeeding. The two of you experience a satisfying intimacy as he latches on and sucks efficiently. This is a familiar and comfortable routine for the two of you, an easy and satisfying way of being together and of taking care of Eric's need for nourishing, appropriate food. You are confident and easy when you think about breastfeeding Eric, knowing that the two of you share the skills to establish breastfeeding and sustain it for as long as the two of you choose. You are confident that your milk supply will always be sufficient for his appetite and needs; you trust your body to take care of him now as it took such good care of him in the womb.

Know that you are taking the best possible care of Eric and yourself. Everything is wonderful and right, and will continue to be wonderful and right. Your patience, compassion, love, and respect for Eric and for yourself ensure the rightness of your actions and of your relationship to each other. You enjoy every aspect of parenting Eric, your beloved little boy.

Posted by Su Penn at March 13, 2004 12:57 PM | TrackBack