David and I love Becky Bailey's book Easy to Love, Difficult To Discipline. Along with How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk, it has strongly influenced our discipline strategies. We like to leave both books around where we can pick them up and read bits (like near the toilet), and both us of re-read them to spark ideas when we're struggling with a new behavior of our son's.
Becky Bailey is not a great writer. When I read her, I long to mark up the margin like I do for my Freshman Comp students: "Tense shift. Choose one and stick with it!" And every now and then the Hypothetical Parents in her scenario come up with consequences that seem extreme to me (play alone in your room all day because of a morning sibling toy dispute?).
But one of the things I like about her is that the outcomes in her hypothetical examples are not always perfect. A mother worried about being late because he son resists getting into his car seat does everything right--and is still late. Just maybe not as late as she would have been otherwise, and certainly not as frazzled. Another mom models perfect Bailey-esque behavior in getting her toddler bathed and into bed, and her son responds well--but she's still worn out by the time he's tucked in. And a twelve-year-old, following some sincere parental empathizing, complies with a parental request--but "sullenly."
Bailey is careful to shatter any illusions a parent might have that effective, loving discipline makes parenting effortless and frustration-free. Her Hypothetical Parents sometimes lose it, right in the middle of a Discipline Encounter. Lots of other times, they are struggling to keep from blurting out the nasty things running through their minds. Very often, they are tired, irritated, and frustrated with their kids. One of Bailey's main points is that parents have to learn, and model, self-control, that we often expect kids as young as two to deal calmly with frustrations that would have us ranting. So she shows us the frustration, and the ranting, and models not only how to do it right, but how to make it right when you've done it wrong. Many parenting books are written like all parents are either Goofus or Gallant--they do everything wrong, or they do everything right. Becky Bailey knows we're all Goofus and Gallant. Bless her heart.
Posted by Su Penn at October 19, 2003 05:40 PM | TrackBack