November 29, 2001
Warning: Next several paragraphs deal (humorously) with poop.
I was just changing Eric's diaper and reflecting happily on how much quicker and more efficient I am at it than I used to be, and I thought, "Hey, this would make a great event in the Mom Olympics." It would look like this:
BOB: Welcome back to the Mom Olympics on ESPN2. I'm Bob Smith, your host, and with me in the booth is Vera Bera, mother of six and three-time gold medalist. Vera, what's our next event?
VERA: Bob, we've got the poopy diaper change, and you can almost smell the excitement in the room as the event technicians bring in the babies. And there's Su Penn, our first contestant, just entering the arena.
BOB: Vera, can you tell us a little bit about the event?
VERA: Sure, Bob. I see that Penn has chosen a fairly simple change, Compliant Bottle-Fed Baby on Home Changing Table. That change is only worth an 8 out of 10 at best; it's a conservative move for this newcomer from the midwest. Wait; I see she's opted for cloth diapers. We'll see some inflated scores there from the Natural Parenting and Attachment Parenting judges; clearly Penn is counting on that.
BOB: What kinds of things can the judges deduct points for?
VERA: Well, Bob, Excessive Use of Wipes is a common penalty, as is Poop In Unauthorized Locations. For instance, if she lets the baby's heels get in it or has any on her hands when the change is done. Oh, she's started. I see she's removed the baby's socks. Again, a conservative move--she would lose points if the baby needed new socks or a new outfit, but it will cost her in time.
BOB: She's done! She's putting the socks back on! That was quick!
VERA: And done well. I didn't see any major deductions, but she'll have a hard time taking a medal if she can't be a little bolder than that.
BOB: And here are the scores... that's got to be a disappointment.
VERA: Well, the quality of the sport just isn't what it used to be. In my day, every serious competitor at the national level had at least four children in at most six years; now it's all mothers-of-one. In 1978, I had to perform a near-perfect Simultaneous Bowel Movements of 8-Month-Old and Two-Year-Old in Car With Light-Colored Upholstery While Running Late to Pick Up Four-Year-Old From Preschool to win my second gold, but the multiple-child events have been completely phased out in recent years.
BOB: Here's the next contestant. What can you tell us about Adrianne Neff, Vera?
VERA: Well, Bob, this Montanan and former social worker is known to followers of the sport for her risk-taking tendencies. Rumor has it she's been working on a new change that could set the bar higher than it's ever been before in single-baby competition. But will she risk it? She's the favorite to win this event, and with Penn scoring low might not want to take unnecessary chances....Oh, my God!
BOB: Vera, the crowd is just exploding out there as Neff's change is announced.
VERA: Yes, Bob, I can hardly believe my eyes. Neff has opted for Non-Compliant Toddler with Stomach Complaint in Public Restroom with No Changing Station. It's the four-minute-mile of the poopy diaper event. We hear she's achieving a 50% success rate with it in practice, but no one has ever seen anything like it at this level of competition before.... They're bringing out the baby. Listen to him howl!
BOB: Penn's looking a little shaky on the sidelines, there.
VERA: And well she should be, Bob. She's got to be kicking herself for not trying at least Clean, Well-Lit Public Restroom, Forgot to Re-Pack Diaper Bag After Tuesday's All-Day Shopping Trip, a change she's had good success with in regional competition. I'd say she's lost her chance of medaling here today unless something goes terribly wrong on Neff's change.
BOB: And what would that take? I assume Neff's change is worth a full 10 out of 10.
VERA: Yes, but the risks are enormous. She'll be on her knees on a damp floor, remember, and the baby is non-compliant and has loose bowels. She's risking Baby and Mother Both Need New Outfits, the second-largest penalty in the sport after Baby and Mother Both Need Bath.
BOB: Will Adrianne Neff make Mom Olympics history? Stay tuned--we'll find out right after this important message from Huggies.
This morning Eric was in his high chair while we ate breakfast, and Scott gave him his rattle by rattling it high above Eric's head and slowly lowering it until Eric could grab it. Eric loves that game. And it made me laugh, thinking about Adrianne's son Noah. Here's infant Noah's internal dialogue upon being given a new rattle:
"What's this? A yellow stick with balls on it... I'll grab it. Hey! It rattles! What else does it do? I'll try this... it rattles. I'll try this other thing... it rattles. Mom, all this thing does is rattle. Can I have something else to play with now?"
And upon being offered the same rattle later:
"Mom, I said I wanted something else to play with. All this thing does is rattle! I have exhausted the possibilities of this toy and respectfully request something new."
Here's Eric's internal dialogue:
""What's this? A yellow stick with balls on it... I'll grab it. Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles!"
And upon being offered the same rattle later:
"Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! "
Weeks later....
"Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! Hey! It rattles! "
It's almost frustrating. We love to buy Eric new things, and there's practically no excuse to do so because he's so content with the old things. Maybe as he gets older he'll become restless and dissatisfied. We can only hope.
I told Adrianne that story on the phone today, and she laughed. She said that Noah has recently gotten into playing with toy cars, and he keeps saying "It's a car! It's a car!" So they have finally found the Font of Endless Delight for Noah.
Eric celebrated his half-birthday on Tuesday by clinging to me all day and refusing to sleep. He was perfectly happy as long as he was in my lap, but didn't want to play on the floor, didn't want to be in his exersaucer, didn't want to suck on his teething blanket (yes, you heard that right--it's a weird thing but he loves it) in his bin. But then yesterday he was a great baby: we went to the chiropractor, and then out to the bookstore to return a book I bought on Monday and regretted, and while we were there we browsed a little, and by the time we were done browsing it was almost lunchtime, so David came and met us at the store's cafe for lunch, and then Eric and I ran an errand at LCC, and then we stopped by the library "real quick" to just pick something up and ended up being there for two hours because I was reading something I didn't want anyone to know I had read. It was, oh, almost 4 by the time we got home.
Yesterday was such a good day that even though I underestimated our library time by a good 90 minutes, we did not get a parking ticket.
I may be in the middle of my fourth good day in a row. I'm not accomplishing much today, but it's not because I'm feeling depressed or overwhelmed. It's because I just don't feel like working. Plus, we are all reading the Harry Potter books and I am first in line and there's a lot of pressure from the guys for me to finish my book already.
Posted by Su Penn at December 26, 2003 02:28 PM | TrackBack